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Sunday, March 12th, 2017
7:49 pm
So, there's been some drama in my life....

is anyone surprised?

Okay, so here we go.

Apparently the last Saturday of Feb, my friend K did a drop-in with the synchro team. (K was a longtime member of the team, a coach, and the best treasurer they ever had. Because her shitbox of a soon-to-be ex is doing everything he can to make her life miserable (seriously. this guy made their 13-year old choose between synchro with her friends or spending time with him. and last bit I heard was that he was trying for full custody so he could send the girl to boarding school. he left K on mother's day, that's how much of a worthless skim of scum he is) Ahem. She's had to use every spare penny she has and then some in the legal battle. So she had to take a year off from synchro.)
On Tuesday the 28th, she sent an email to the whole team saying how fun it was to swim with everyone and that she hoped she could join them again soon. The head coach, N, replied all with a rather curt message saying that since K hadn't signed the agreement at the start of the season, she wasn't a member of the team and wouldn't be allowed back. I sent an email to just the coaches and K pointing out that since K was told by L (the one who injured me and was temporary head coach while N was having a baby) that it would be okay, K wasn't in the wrong here and the problem seemed to be communication problems between the coaches.
It still bugged me so the next day I replied to the original message (to the entire team) and called N out on her rudeness. I told her she owed K an apology. The next day, N replied all with a stiffly worded email that said she was just being concise and that it was never her intention to offend anyone.

All good, right? Ha.

Last Thursday, K texted me. She got a certified letter from the swim club board kicking her off the team because of various things, culminating in (paraphrased) "incorrectly complaining and causing chaos in the Masters community." In other words, *my* email was the last straw and they kicked K out of the team she dedicated nearly a decade of her life to. K and I chatted for a while and we're going to meet up in person soon, once her mediation is done and I'm assured Mom survived her surgery (this Tuesday) I started entertaining serious doubts about going back to this club.
Friday, *I* got a certified letter. The board decided that since I 'verbally abused and harassed' N, I would be suspended until I signed a 'behavior improvement plan.' For real. We can pause while you take a moment. I replied to my email of the 1st, saying "hey, I'm suspended. I'm being punished for calling out the head coach for her rudeness. This is ridiculous."

Then I read the rulebook that we're required to read and sign every year.

Um, the 'ladder of discipline' for the club has four steps. First offense is for the coach to talk to the swimmer. Suspension isn't until step four. So I sent another group-wide email with the relevant excerpt and said "this is what is supposed to happen. is my understanding wrong?"

Yesterday (Saturday) I get a private email from the president of the club. They had decided that since I had done a major infraction, they used their power and discretion and jumped to the last rung of the 'latter (sic) of discipline'. I take a few hours to calm down a bit (man, my house is clean now, let me tell you) and reply (adding back the entire team) saying that I fail to understand how my email supposedly harassed or abused N to the point where I would be suspended without warning. (honestly, if you want to read the emails, ask me. you know my address)

That's where it stands right now with the club.

I'm thinking I may be done with them and that I might be starting up my own club. I'm still healing (it aches a lot from the cleaning but I think I can try swimming again this week) but I may be healed enough by the time all the t's are crossed and i's are dotted. (but for this week, I focus on my Mom's health and getting wing1 home from college)

So, yeah.

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Wednesday, March 1st, 2017
4:53 am

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Wednesday, February 1st, 2017
4:56 am
Rabbit, good morning.

yes, I know I said I'd post more happy stuff, but. (sorry)

Yesterday I woke up only slightly stiff, which was a good thing (yay) because I taught class Monday night and was so happy I had the minimum students (which meant I was going to be paid) and that they were all non-beginners (even if two of them learned from someone else long time ago) that I let myself go with the flow and we ended up learning the first half of the routine. (yay!) So, I expected to be very sore yesterday but I wasn't.

so I didn't exercise caution when putting in the lane lines. It ached, of course, but I was like, aw, you're just not used to doing this ya wimp. Then at the end of the last line, something went *pop* in a crown around my skull. When I stood up to put away the rolly thing that holds the lane lines, I had to stop and just breathe. After a bit, I could move but had to walk carefully so my head wouldn't fall off. I had a headache and that disconnected feeling all day. I came home and took a nap. wing2 woke me up after a couple of hours and I was phasing through time until dinner.

this morning my neck and shoulder and bicep hurt, plus a duller version of the headache. My head isn't in danger of falling off (yay) but I really hope the lane lines are in this morning already.

my question is, should I call the consulting nurse, or just take it easy (with anti-inflams, ice and rest) until my massage therapy appointment next Thursday?

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Saturday, January 28th, 2017
12:27 pm
huh, it seems the only time I post any more on this journal is when I'm upset. I'll try to do better in the future.

What got me upset today, you ask? can you guess? if you answered 'wing2', give yourself a cookie.

My mom is having knee replacement surgery mid-March. She needs someone to take care of her the week after, driving her to appointments and such. Of her five kids, four in-laws, twelve grandkids, two and a half in-laws, and two great-grandkids, seven don't have jobs. Three of those are in college, so in effect, they do have jobs as students. Two others are too young, being toddlers (the great-grands) That leaves two grandkids available. Only one of them can drive. wing2.

Easy peasy, right? he goes across the puddle for a week and spends quality time with grandma, earning massive karma points. A no-brainer.

Nope. That's a month before SakuraCon and a week or so before Andromeda comes out. And that week will be spent making the armor and visor for his Shepherd costume. He can't do this costume earlier because he needs to lose weight. He spent a day or so a couple weeks ago planning a pretty elaborate and detailed schedule for his costume making (he's doing GeekBoy's and mine this week, now that our fabric arrived) There's no room for him to take even two and a half days to take care of his grandmother.

I told him this was important to me, asked him if he could rearrange, do certain things now, if I could help. I told him he could do the armor the week before and sew the body suit at grandma's (who has been sewing for nearly seventy years and could help him and give him immeasurable advice) Nope, the suit has to be done before the armor and he can't push back the armor.

He went away angry. he came back later. He could do it if he didn't make the Shepherd costume, but then he'd want to kill himself because he gave up on this costume. But then, if he didn't help grandma, he'd be the Bad Guy and want to kill himself.

I hate that he does this. I am finally so sick of him using that as an argument. So you think you're going to feel so bad you want to kill yourself? Welcome to my life, son. Part of the reason GeekBoy took me to the ocean last week was because I was seriously contemplating my death Thursday morning. (I'm better now, please don't worry) One of my first reactions to pretty much any conflict is death, but I've learned to ignore that voice and try to come up with other solutions. He's gone through years of therapy; he should have the tools to cope with this.

I admit, I don't know what all is involved with making these costumes, but I'm positive that there is a way for him to complete his costumes relatively stress-free, on time and on budget, AND do his duty as a decent human being and take care of his grandmother.

But as for right now, we're not talking to each other.

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Wednesday, January 18th, 2017
5:03 pm
Just got back from the sports med doctor. Good news! it's not my shoulder. I *had* bursitis and it's all but gone, thanks to rest, ibu, and PT. However, here's the bad news. It's my neck. You know, where the lightning bolt started during that bit at the competition? Myofascial, with tenderness in the occipital something (I couldn't write it down fast enough) and a trapezius strain.

The doctor has modified one of my PT exercises and referred me to massage therapy. Everything is aggravated right now, he said, that he would recommend delaying going back to the physical therapist until after a couple visits with the massage therapist.

So I should be happy, at least, that we know what's wrong and we have a solid plan to fix it. But I'm rather agitated. I'm trying to calm myself down but I'm vacillating between anger and weeping.

The anger I understand. I'm angry that this happened. I'm angry at the coach for her 'I'm going to wear you out during practice so you have no energy to make mistakes' at the competition. I'm angry thinking of what if it had happened to one of the older swimmers. (I'm relatively young; the ladies I'm thinking of are in their seventies and main caretakers for their even older husbands) I'm angry that it's taken me this long to get a diagnosis.

The weeping, I don't understand.

Either way, I need to calm down before I call my mom. I promised I'd let her know what the doctor said. But if I call her now, I'm going to say something aggressive and she'll point out something that I haven't thought of that will absolve everyone else of responsibility and bring the blame back squarely on me. And I'm not ready for that. I want to wallow in my resentment of the coach for a little bit longer. (I know, I know. There's a part of me that points out that this was her first year coaching and she'd never swam with people more than two years older than her before and she had a shitty summer as well (three deaths in her family and got kicked out of culinary school for missing class to attend their funerals) and we learn differently than she teaches and I know I need to cut her some slack)

You know what? I'll call my mom tomorrow. I woke up way too early this morning and have had a very eventful day. I'm going to declare the rest of the day (all three or four hours of it before bed) BlanketFort Time. C'mon, Costello, let's go hide under the blankets on the couch.

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Monday, January 16th, 2017
10:15 am - gripe gripe gripe
my left shoulder is hurting now. like it did two years ago when I strained the rotator cuff. I'm trying to remember what exercises I did for that. Probably ice, ibu, and rest. Sigh. I planned to do a lot on my day off today.

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Thursday, January 5th, 2017
8:44 pm
my rotator cuff is healthy, according to the MRI. So, yay for no surgery. But wtf is wrong with my shoulder? no clue. my doctor referred me to the sports medicine section of group health; they might be able to figure out what's wrong and not only fix it but teach me what to do to not get it again. my appointment is the 18th.

wing2 cooked dinner tonight. a new recipe from a cookbook he ordered. beef peanut curry. it wasn't bad. he needs to be more even with his chopping skills, especially with the potatoes, but all in all, not a bad dinner. He'll be cooking every Thursday. or at least, that's what the menu says. :)

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Wednesday, January 4th, 2017
8:35 pm
So wing2 and I went out shopping for a suit for him to wear at the wedding Sunday. We found a nice shirt at one store and a pair of pants he said fit him splendidly, but as we couldn't find a matching jacket, we just bought the shirt and headed off to more stores. A couple hours later (after visiting the mall and going to every store that would carry suits (except Nordstrom's - no way we were even looking there) oh, and lunch) we headed back to the first store to at least get the pants. Out of desperation (and a little (okay a lot) weariness) I grabbed a jacket that, while it didn't match, looked like it would go well with the pants. It worked. He liked it. AND and and! It was on clearance and cheaper than the pair of sneakers I got him at Payless. Woo! Then he got excited because right next to that jacket was a leather jacket that, with the addition of a N7 patch, would match the "casual Shepherd" outfit from Mass Effect. And it, too, was on sale and a good price. So, he got his suit for Sunday (and he looks really good in the whole outfit) (although we need to get him a tie) AND two pairs of shoes (he also got some boots) AND a jacket for a cosplay although I suspect he will wear it often, if he ever leaves the house again. :)

Also, I have a phone appointment with my doctor tomorrow to discuss the results of the MRI. That's the only reason I haven't mentioned it so far. I have no idea what they found. I'll let you know tomorrow.


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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2017
8:49 pm
wing2 and I were supposed to go shopping today but he had a bad night and asked if he could sleep it out. So while he slept I cleaned and organized a couple drawers in my desk. I have a washi tape problem. And stickies and cute animal shaped post-it like things. I didn't get to my pens, pencils and fountain pen collection but I can assure you I have problem there too. *cough*

Tomorrow we definitely will go shopping. He needs clothes.

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Monday, January 2nd, 2017
7:58 pm
We took wing1 back to school today. She comes home on Thursday because we're going to a wedding on Sunday. (long time family friend, found out at the bridal shower that we're considered part of the family, so we're going to be in the family photos and in the processional at the reception (they're Lebanese))

wing1 arranged her classes so she only goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Of course, she's going from 8:30 in the morning until about 5 in the afternoon, but hey. The morning class is swimming, and one of the afternoon classes is one of her required upper level Japanese classes. She's excited about them because it's translation, something she's good at. (she has a hard time remembering the kanji)

Talked with Mom this evening. She wanted to know about my shoulder. I don't know anything yet; I promised to call her as soon as I know. She goes to the doctor on Thursday to get information about knee replacement surgery. I almost offered to live with her and take care of her while she recuperates but then I remembered she has Suss and Maer living with her and they are Caregivers Extraordinaire. Mom asked me who would take care of me after my surgery. My boys, of course. wing2 during the day and GeekBoy after work. We agreed that we could call each other and be grumpy, though. (Suss and Maer are Sunshine Girls, like how I used to be)

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Sunday, January 1st, 2017
9:29 pm

I cleaned out our coat closet today and have two large bags of stuff to drop off tomorrow on the way to take wing1 back to school. For a family of troglodytes, we sure had a lot of coats.

I keep thinking "meh, my shoulder will hurt whether I use it or rest it, so I might as well be productive" and then when the task is over, regretting it because there actually is a difference in pain levels. Sometimes I wonder about my thought processes.

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Saturday, December 31st, 2016
10:27 am
today is my MRI. I'm still not sure what I want. Do I want it to be a torn rotator cuff (painful, but with a set solution - surgery and recovery) or not (still painful but back to square one with maybe no surgery)

either way, I'm tired of the constant ache. It doesn't hurt A LOT, just ... always there. Sometimes I can't distract from it. There are four areas - a bar of static ache across the base of my skull/top of my neck, a smear of tension pain along the top of the trapezius, pulling and bruising ache in the dip where the deltoid ends and bicep begins, and a poking of various intensities in the center back edge of the shoulder blade. Sometimes they all hurt at once, most of the time it varies. The arm one is when I lift things, the shoulder blade when I stop moving.

Sigh. Sorry for complaining.

I hope the new year gives you pleasure and joy and nothing but goodness, because oh goodness you deserve it.

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Monday, December 19th, 2016
7:21 pm
Went to the doctor today. She has referred me for an MRI. I'll call tomorrow to schedule one. She suspects a torn rotator cuff. If it is one, it means surgery. But, she says, I'm young and active enough that it shouldn't be a problem. I'm refraining from googling the surgery, healing times, and possible bad things.


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Friday, December 16th, 2016
10:43 am
shoulder and neck still hurt. PT on Monday agreed that I should go back to my doctor. My appointment is for this coming Monday. i'll keep you posted.

in other news, I passed my TA training and, in the words of the pool's assistant manager who observed us yesterday, "appear to be able to teach a full session on your own." not if I can help it, but it's good to know.

today is GeekBoy's last day of the year. He always takes the two weeks between his birthday and new years as vacation. the winglets and I are going to meet him for lunch at his building and then take him home.

today when I came home from work, both winglets were still asleep. it makes me wonder if there will be days over the next two weeks where i'll come home and EVERYONE will still be in bed.

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Wednesday, December 7th, 2016
7:32 pm
Yesterday, wing2 and I went up to b-ham and got wing1. Before leaving, we went out to lunch at Boomer's, a pretty yummy burger place. Halfway through the meal, my napkin fell to the floor. Since my shoulder had been improving (only twinges when teaching swimming that morning), I thought nothing of bending over and reaching for it. Suddenly I felt like my collarbone had been disconnected. Pain along that bone, neck and arm. :( wing2 drove home, obvs, and I settled on the couch with the icepack, ibuprofen, and a vow to give my shoulder as big a rest as I could.

I've gotten fairly adept at dressing myself with minimal shoulder movement, so that wasn't a problem. I'm also good at driving one handed. So, aside from trying to get giftmas knitting done, and the odd writing (chem tests for the pool, whatever), I felt I could make it to the weekend with a proper rest of my shoulder.

Then, about midway through my shift, a patron fell on the deck. Her knees wouldn't let her stand up on her own, and, at a solid 200 pounds, she was afraid she'd break the railing. I called a supervisor out to help. Supe grabbed her hands, I lifted under her arms, and we were able to get the patron up on her feet again. She was fine, if a little embarrassed for falling and not being able to get up. Me, on the other hand? I was really regretting my action. For the rest of the shift (and actually, the rest of the day) my arm twinged with bolts of pain in specific places. My neck ached from the base of my skull to mid-forearm. I couldn't turn my head to scan the pool without bodily complaints, so I ended up standing for all of my shifts so I could turn my torso. Holding the very light lifeguarding tube put strain on my arm, so I would just hold it with my left and rest my right on it.

Folks, I fucked up.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to wait weeks to get back to where I was yesterday morning. (and even that wasn't back to full health) I can't knit, and my list of giftmas presents is fairly long. (I could do it if I were healthy, but even with the slow improvement I had been doing, it was going to be a push to get all of them knitted. Now? my needles are pretty much grounded.) I can't clean. And GeekBoy wanted to have a party for his birthday next Saturday. I had planned this weekend to do a major clean of the public areas, and get the kids and GeekBoy to help, but now it looks like I'm just going to be nagging all fucking weekend. I can't draw or write or type (even with minimal moving of the hands, I can feel each click of my right hand all the way up to under my shoulder blade) or even use the damn mouse.

I don't think there's anything I can do except go back to square one. PT daily, ice often, ibuprofen every four hours, rest as much as I can. Fuck.

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Tuesday, November 29th, 2016
8:44 pm
almost forgot to post today.

um. cleaned the bathroom before heading to work today. work was interesting. I got to observe and take notes on the classes. I think on Thursday I get to teach for five minutes. There's a darling woman in the adult beginning class who came in afraid to put her face in the water and half an hour later was sitting on the bottom of the (shallow end) pool, blowing bubbles. :)

did I mention that wing2 had me promise to watch him play Mass Effect if he finished his nano novel before Thanksgiving? he did and so I've been watching him play. He plays it like a dating sim with occasional battles.

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Monday, November 28th, 2016
12:56 pm
I swam today! After work I got in. I couldn't swim more than a lap, honestly. My shoulder complained the whole time. So I put on some fins and kicked for another 850 yards. My legs will be complaining later but it was so worth it. I really should have been doing this the whole time. Maybe I wouldn't have sunk to such lows with the depression this month.

and the water aerobic ladies complimented me on my dolphin kick. :)

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Sunday, November 27th, 2016
8:25 pm
I hope you had a good weekend. We had a good Thanksgiving. The winglets spent Friday and most of Saturday with the Duchess, so GeekBoy and I did some rearranging. We donated the big This End Up couch to charity (yes, I helped move it into and out of the car) on Friday and spent the rest of the day on the couch (me with ice pack and stuff. I tried a muscle relaxant to see if that would make the pain go away but nope. dammit) Saturday we rearranged the furniture that was left, piled stuff into logical piles, and got rid of the trash and recycling. And then I sat on the couch with even more ice packs.

Today I went back on the ibuprofen. sigh. We also took wing1 back to school. She has just over a week left of school for the quarter. wing2 and I will be getting her next Tuesday.


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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2016
7:32 am
I had a good pt session yesterday and so decided to not limit myself at class last night. I regret this now as I woke up with a knot at the base of my skull that is severely interfering with everything I do. I don't really regret the class because the beginners learned an entire routine (King's Coast, the first one I ever choreographed) in an hour. But I can't really move much today. And I'm scheduled to be a TA for the classes. Whee. I will do what I always do and do what's asked of me to the best of my abilities and then whimper and whinge to my family.

Speaking of which, wing1 is home for the week! She came home late last night, after I went to bed so I haven't seen her but the cats have been telling me all about her this morning.

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Thursday, November 17th, 2016
5:41 am
I'm still alive, honest.

still sick, although the fever stuff is gone away. and I have a dry cough as opposed to the wet cough my supervisor has (poor dear)

other than that, meh. life is going. last night we heard a cat crunching loudly at the dry food but we could see all three of the wing cats. GeekBoy got up and said "oh, a raccoon." He chased it out and locked the back door. I guess we'll be locking that door while the cats are having their dinner now. wing2 spent the evening trying to convince us raccoons are cute. I know they are but if I think about the creatures out in the cold and wet i'll want to offer them shelter. I am so weak and pathetic that way.

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